rip- clementine

so today will go down in infamy as the day that i was told "so, your car is totaled".. outstanding. i'm quite distraught. this is the only car i've ever known. and my dad is happy, cause he doesn't have to deal with all the repairs. merely gets a check in ze mail. but, technically i guess the car isn't legally mine, and with the divorce and all.. i have absolutely no idea what that means for me and my life of putting 3ok+ on a car/year.

seriously. this isn't setting in. i'm the girl that drives the cute yellow car. that's ME. and you, prizm, have ruined that. for that, i hope, that you will pay.

... not vengeful at all. i swear. understand where i'm coming from? please? thanks.

and just return my baby back to me...

xo,

sad sad little me.

happy december.

i have been up to a little of everything. i've written recently. which, i haven't done so recently. here's a little of what i did:

...perchance [he] is to instill the holy desires you've placed in me. to reaffirm the fact that I should desire a holy man of God. one that not only values what I say, but also listens to it. one that is so lost in God. one that appreciates the things of this world that I sometimes get consumed by- such as disneyland, and music and road trips and coffee. whom lets me be an intelligent daughter of God and in doing so compliments my femininity with his masculinity in being a son (and warrior) of God. who puts the best interests of Her people at heart by always listening to the call of the Church. one that can posses the courage to ask me out; can manage to keep a job. be well respected in situations where respect is due, and sometimes hard to attain. one that is selfless; loves unconditionally- slow to anger. one that can relate to my situations without pitying me, or making me feel less than because of. one that can see human goodness in situations where it isn't visible, but with unfaltering clarity. that can give himself whole heartedly to his community- to his creator. to get so lost in love for his Lord that the only thing keeping him grounded is this love. a man whom isn't famous, because he is so inlove with God.

//

obviously this isn't a finished list. i'll undoubtedly keep adding to it. but, here it is- the beginnings of such.

and whos to say it's wrong?

i absolutely can not get you out of my mind. i don't want this to post on facebook. i know it will. i'm far to lazy right now to do anything about that. i have to get ready for bed still. it's 3a. i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

i need to be up by 530a to get my monies from my father. i have bills to pay. that i've been trying to ignore. i'm glad he's the keeper of my money, otherwise i'd swindle it away. i'm too frivolous with funds. or should i say, my own funds.

i desperately want to make mixes. i think that's my way of having a hold on the world as of late- through music. it's tangible. that's all that i can control right now. i can't even keep my thoughts on lockdown. they're everywhere. suppose it makes sense, that i'm everywhere as well.

i wear my thoughts on my sleeve. and my tears on my cheeks.

truth in the dust, with my life in the balance. and you're gone.

(cause we have spoken everything, everything short of i love you.)

---

how absolutely ridiculous am i, that i went to libby to get my favourite (you should know it), just because it's soothing on my achey soul and achey heart. given, i did read what i needed to. and promptly left. i knew i needed to be there. i needed to read that message.

(we're not given what we want, we're given what we need- i hope you're loved.)

exactly. all that matters.

YOU. being loved. not me. how trivial is my life that i can focus on it so much? how insane. how preposterous. how.. bombastic am i right now? (quite.) oh well. all for the cause, i say. or do i say anything at all?

i'm known as the giggler. OUTSTANDING. i'm appreciative that you put it into perspective that laughing can be miss taken more easily than words. especially with someone as loud laugh-ed as i am. but, i don't think i know how to translate that into my every day actions. alas, i'm back to square one (and my slate is clear.)

---

i really need a wake up call. and a back massage. either one would be appreciated.

maybe i just need to buck up, shut the front door, and grow up. yep. basically.

i'm glad that i'm going on retreat this weekend. no one really knows yet, but i've realized that i don't need to live my life telling of others. i've realized that it doesn't really matter what i say at all, about anything- the only things that are ever known are proven thorough my actions. my truths are what i do, not what i say i'm going to do, and especially not what i intend to do.

it's not the thought that counts- because actions DO speak louder than words.

... tragically.

xo.

jeremiah 29:11

[ and whos to say that it's not right? ]

i'm just curious..

if you have a miscarriage and call it a loss, does that also mean that you recognize abortion and it's effects as a loss?

i would hope so. because, a miscarriage is unplanned and for the most part unknown. you have to deal with it mentally and physically. so that goes to support that a planned abortion, that effects a woman even more negatively than a miscarriage is just as bad of a loss, if not more?

in this video- http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32655563#32655563. "the minute of conception,.. it is alive" especially upon the focus of the date of loss. 8 weeks. a baby's heart begins beating at 3 weeks.

the day's still early. i'll ponder this a little more.

october 6th

no energy can be created or destroyed. God's love is infinite. has always existed is a constant transfer. from adam, to eve, all the way to the babes in limbo being adored by the Son.

--

do you think that we are limited to one great love? that we are given the chance to change someone whole heartedly; success or failure nondependent upon such? that we could potentially throw away our one chance without legitimately knowing that it is so?

or what if that one true love is meant to be thrown away?

what if God's love is that one true love? that we're searching and searching for something that we already posses? or, should i state, have the ability to posses.

His love is a constant, but as infinite as our vision of the ocean. never ending. awe inspiring. bringing forth all knowledge and all vigor of anything sustaining. waters of the living kind. salt of the earth (enriched).

God said fishers of men, and little was it known that we would be fish- sinking and swimming and learning and growing on a daily basis, with the tides.

perhaps beauty comes with tieds, as well as education. that one earns the gifts that they posses as they grow into their form. that love cannot be looked for, saught out; that it must always be found. stumbled upon. like a pebble beneath our feet, a part of the path of life.

10 reasons to love you.

i think this might be a good guideline to help me determine anything.. aka, appreciation for someone? or maybe just a rough understanding about my overall feelings for a .. situation? this isn't making sense.

over n' out.

xo.

i have a beautiful life.

SO WHAT GIVES?

honestly. i am so blessed.

how many people can say that they have hair the colour of cherries and chocolate? (this girl.)

how many people can say that after being fired, they've lived well for 5 months after? (this girl.)

how many teenage girls can say that they can fully pursue all passions that they have? (this girl.)

yet, who isn't pursuing all passions that she has?

...... THIS GIRL.

i'mma get my head on straight, and (soon) will tell you how i really feel. but until then, this girl is realizing that she should always have her head in the clouds, and be walking on sunshine. because honestly, if she isn't.. who has reason to? sure, she needs a lot of refining. and a heck've a lot more direction and guidance. but she'll make it someday. she's just being a dopey mope, and needs to get out of this rut. (also, she needs to stop writing in her journal, or at least transcribe some of it on to here.)

overheard @cartel-

"she's known.. for so many things- beautiful, funny, smart and ridiculous all around.."

uhm, please? thanks.

xo.

SAMM

with two m's. only because you picked up on it.

well look at who it is.

Originally uploaded by Meg Brooke

ME.
the end.

never wanted a prolife post.

but it appears that here is one, in the making.

It is hard to have patience with people who say "There is no death" or "Death doesn't matter." There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter.

C. S. Lewis

this quote is beautifully stated. defending life and death in the same instance.

i could never fathom You at all.

i'm currently in the process of organizing/gutting my entire room and all of its contents. i'm finding a lot of stupid things that i can not believe i'm cluttering my room with, and a lot of things that i'm so glad i held on to.

here's some photos of my progress:

exhibit A - everything strewn across my floor, and a tiny clothes pile in the background.

exhibit B - my beautifully colour-organized bookshelf! getting to the bottom-most shelves for journals, magazines +such.

[ i don't want to fit You in my pocket; cause You are brighter than the sun. ]

i am completely disgusted.

just found this bugger IN MY BATHROOM.

at 130a. no big.

YES BIG GROSS GROSS.

so glad my dad was here to help his damsel in distress.

xo

you were the one i always dreamed of; i was the one you tried to draw.

{psalm23:1} the Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I lack.

xo.

[ how dare you say it's nothing to me; you're the only light i ever saw. ]

oh brother can't you tell me what's got your heart beating so fast?

10 REAL RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i'm in love with God.
2. i don't like my hair. ever.
3. my favourite color is probably deep purple; like a plum.
4. don't like romaine lettuce- but i LOVE iceburg.
5. i'm a touchy-feely person.
6. i don't like being forced into the spotlight.
7. i love rain.
8. i detest misspellings.
9. i like dark chocolate covered macadamias.
10. i don't like shaving my legs.


9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. make me laugh.
2. respect my beliefs.
3. be completely honest.
4. spontaneity.
5. believe in me.
6. be a nice person, ha.
7. be there for me.
8. compliment me.
9. write me anything.


8 THINGS I CARRY EVERYDAY
1. your heart (i carry it in my heart)
2. my self.
3. my cell.
4. my wallet, or some part of it.
5. most likely my mac.
6. chargers.
7. glasses.
8. ...the weight of the world on my shoulders.


7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. people who degrade.
2. papercuts.
3. immaturity.
4. twofaced people.
5. blisters.
6. misused english.
7. shaving my legs.


6 STATES I'VE LIVED/VISTED
1. all ova' arizona!
2. cedar city, utah.
3. the beachland in california.
4. south bend, indiana <3.
5. newyork, newyork.
6. vegas- city of lights.


5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. find the boy that God has set aside for me.
2. seize the day.
3. eliminate regret and fear and worry.
4. have children.
5. be a teacher.


4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. rejection.
2. losing all my teeth.
3. scorpions.
4. not having the time to say goodbye.


3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. pray.
2. shower.
3. breathe.


2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. lean on my elbow that hurts oh so badly.
2. NOT 'dream like new york'.


1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW

1. is safely in bed at stanford.

i know that it's easy to say

i dont think it's possible to communicate how much my elbow hurts right now.

i went iceskating with suzie and rach; and was a total pansy about it all. mainly because when i was younger i'd go iceskating and fall, and black out. every time. it scared the bejeezus out of me. so i was extremely hesitant tonight, of course. and.. after having a good go with suzie and rach helping me, i lost all balance and fell with all of my 130lbs onto my right elbow. and now it hurts so terribly bad. owie.

[ but it's harder to feel this way. ]

hey world,

is anybody out there?

i am currently pulling a no-sleep thursday. success.

i wrote all morning @starbucks, whilst watching the sunrise.

have yet to transcribe said writings to computer.

will happen soon.

promise.

xo.

well i put so much thought into getting ready

but now i know that that was the best part.

it's so easy to get caught up in what i'm regretting.

...

i'm fixing my shelves. i'm reorganizing; rearranging. learning. basically living

[ it's been good getting to know me more. ]

but you're a queen,

and deserve more.

that's about it.

yeah.

xo.

[ we should run away together. ]

just because everything's changing

it's so reassuring to know that regardless of what happens, who you choose, when you choose them, that 'home' will always be there. it's nice to know that 'home' is in fact not necessarily a location that you live, like the world teaches, but a place where your soul dwells.

where you know that your best interests are sometimes at heart, that sometimes decisions can become selfish (in an innocent sense), but that you're valued for your simplicities and valued for the things that make you distinct. maybe everyone possesses them, doesn't mean you're not cherished. that you're not a treasure.

where if you were to walk away, you'd be watched, let run, until you couldn't run any further. and then you'd be welcomed back with open arms and hearts and sighs and love.

xo.

[ doesn't mean its never been this way before. ]

i saw it from the beginning.

"You and I have a special talent," Claire says to Drew. "And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I'm not a Cindy either…I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

---

but is it enough to be a substitute person, but love that you're a substitute person? it lets people go to you for their personal reasonings, and not effect you or dilute yourself when they dont want to be involved. maybe i just made it evident why i shouldn't love being a substitute person. it sounds like an easier way to explain to people that you enjoy solitude, but making your presence in the world known.. if only a trifle.. for smidgen of time in people's lives.

(“ Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over. — Gloria Nay)

i'm out.

xo.

[ we're the substitute people. ]

i need to read his post a little more: http://www.littlenuancesblog.com/2006/03/substitute-people.html

long before you ever came around.

i think that the DTR sucks, regardless of if you'd like to be headed in that direction, or not. i mean, it always gets the 'deer in the headlights' reaction (which lemme tell ya', is the scariest experience: driving, and having a deer stare at your headlights.. utah teaches you things) but, no one ever really wants to be set down and required to spit out their inner thoughts i think.

i think that in this day and age, it's a rough thing to do- expose yourself completely for the sake of a conversation, that will just define your title (not even necessarily your role in someone's life). 

---

no one ultimately wants to be in a 'wait-and-see' situation, but us as human beings that like to avoid confrontation and confliction almost prefer that over the alternative- DTR's. it's almost easier to set ourselves up for failure, for misuse, and for extreme confusion as opposed to just exchanging a few words, emotions, observations, and expectations. there's an unsettled stomach in both situations, just the latter is more productive and conducive to the daily life, in comparison to the former.

... it's late, this isnt making much sense in my head anymore. my eyes are blurring and crossing- makes me think of sRach. but i will be adding more to this over the course of this blog.

xo.

[ you should know that there's been other's here. ]

this is new.

hopefully this blog gets maintained. hopefully i dont fall out on this writing. i mean, i want to write daily. i poses the skill to be able to write daily. i guess this will mostly just be a test to see how close i can stick to that pure ambitious goal... purely? maybe it will also help me figure out the english language. since, i plan on being an english literature major and all. in the spring. yes. 

this is a new start. 

this is a new beginning.

this is a movement.

this is a the beginning of the start of a movement-

in my life.

xo.

[ i am feeling so ambitious, you and me- flesh to flesh. ]