and whos to say it's wrong?

i absolutely can not get you out of my mind. i don't want this to post on facebook. i know it will. i'm far to lazy right now to do anything about that. i have to get ready for bed still. it's 3a. i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

i need to be up by 530a to get my monies from my father. i have bills to pay. that i've been trying to ignore. i'm glad he's the keeper of my money, otherwise i'd swindle it away. i'm too frivolous with funds. or should i say, my own funds.

i desperately want to make mixes. i think that's my way of having a hold on the world as of late- through music. it's tangible. that's all that i can control right now. i can't even keep my thoughts on lockdown. they're everywhere. suppose it makes sense, that i'm everywhere as well.

i wear my thoughts on my sleeve. and my tears on my cheeks.

truth in the dust, with my life in the balance. and you're gone.

(cause we have spoken everything, everything short of i love you.)

---

how absolutely ridiculous am i, that i went to libby to get my favourite (you should know it), just because it's soothing on my achey soul and achey heart. given, i did read what i needed to. and promptly left. i knew i needed to be there. i needed to read that message.

(we're not given what we want, we're given what we need- i hope you're loved.)

exactly. all that matters.

YOU. being loved. not me. how trivial is my life that i can focus on it so much? how insane. how preposterous. how.. bombastic am i right now? (quite.) oh well. all for the cause, i say. or do i say anything at all?

i'm known as the giggler. OUTSTANDING. i'm appreciative that you put it into perspective that laughing can be miss taken more easily than words. especially with someone as loud laugh-ed as i am. but, i don't think i know how to translate that into my every day actions. alas, i'm back to square one (and my slate is clear.)

---

i really need a wake up call. and a back massage. either one would be appreciated.

maybe i just need to buck up, shut the front door, and grow up. yep. basically.

i'm glad that i'm going on retreat this weekend. no one really knows yet, but i've realized that i don't need to live my life telling of others. i've realized that it doesn't really matter what i say at all, about anything- the only things that are ever known are proven thorough my actions. my truths are what i do, not what i say i'm going to do, and especially not what i intend to do.

it's not the thought that counts- because actions DO speak louder than words.

... tragically.

xo.

jeremiah 29:11

[ and whos to say that it's not right? ]

i'm just curious..

if you have a miscarriage and call it a loss, does that also mean that you recognize abortion and it's effects as a loss?

i would hope so. because, a miscarriage is unplanned and for the most part unknown. you have to deal with it mentally and physically. so that goes to support that a planned abortion, that effects a woman even more negatively than a miscarriage is just as bad of a loss, if not more?

in this video- http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/32655563#32655563. "the minute of conception,.. it is alive" especially upon the focus of the date of loss. 8 weeks. a baby's heart begins beating at 3 weeks.

the day's still early. i'll ponder this a little more.

october 6th

no energy can be created or destroyed. God's love is infinite. has always existed is a constant transfer. from adam, to eve, all the way to the babes in limbo being adored by the Son.

--

do you think that we are limited to one great love? that we are given the chance to change someone whole heartedly; success or failure nondependent upon such? that we could potentially throw away our one chance without legitimately knowing that it is so?

or what if that one true love is meant to be thrown away?

what if God's love is that one true love? that we're searching and searching for something that we already posses? or, should i state, have the ability to posses.

His love is a constant, but as infinite as our vision of the ocean. never ending. awe inspiring. bringing forth all knowledge and all vigor of anything sustaining. waters of the living kind. salt of the earth (enriched).

God said fishers of men, and little was it known that we would be fish- sinking and swimming and learning and growing on a daily basis, with the tides.

perhaps beauty comes with tieds, as well as education. that one earns the gifts that they posses as they grow into their form. that love cannot be looked for, saught out; that it must always be found. stumbled upon. like a pebble beneath our feet, a part of the path of life.

10 reasons to love you.

i think this might be a good guideline to help me determine anything.. aka, appreciation for someone? or maybe just a rough understanding about my overall feelings for a .. situation? this isn't making sense.

over n' out.

xo.