and whos to say it's wrong?

i absolutely can not get you out of my mind. i don't want this to post on facebook. i know it will. i'm far to lazy right now to do anything about that. i have to get ready for bed still. it's 3a. i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

i need to be up by 530a to get my monies from my father. i have bills to pay. that i've been trying to ignore. i'm glad he's the keeper of my money, otherwise i'd swindle it away. i'm too frivolous with funds. or should i say, my own funds.

i desperately want to make mixes. i think that's my way of having a hold on the world as of late- through music. it's tangible. that's all that i can control right now. i can't even keep my thoughts on lockdown. they're everywhere. suppose it makes sense, that i'm everywhere as well.

i wear my thoughts on my sleeve. and my tears on my cheeks.

truth in the dust, with my life in the balance. and you're gone.

(cause we have spoken everything, everything short of i love you.)

---

how absolutely ridiculous am i, that i went to libby to get my favourite (you should know it), just because it's soothing on my achey soul and achey heart. given, i did read what i needed to. and promptly left. i knew i needed to be there. i needed to read that message.

(we're not given what we want, we're given what we need- i hope you're loved.)

exactly. all that matters.

YOU. being loved. not me. how trivial is my life that i can focus on it so much? how insane. how preposterous. how.. bombastic am i right now? (quite.) oh well. all for the cause, i say. or do i say anything at all?

i'm known as the giggler. OUTSTANDING. i'm appreciative that you put it into perspective that laughing can be miss taken more easily than words. especially with someone as loud laugh-ed as i am. but, i don't think i know how to translate that into my every day actions. alas, i'm back to square one (and my slate is clear.)

---

i really need a wake up call. and a back massage. either one would be appreciated.

maybe i just need to buck up, shut the front door, and grow up. yep. basically.

i'm glad that i'm going on retreat this weekend. no one really knows yet, but i've realized that i don't need to live my life telling of others. i've realized that it doesn't really matter what i say at all, about anything- the only things that are ever known are proven thorough my actions. my truths are what i do, not what i say i'm going to do, and especially not what i intend to do.

it's not the thought that counts- because actions DO speak louder than words.

... tragically.

xo.

jeremiah 29:11

[ and whos to say that it's not right? ]