i am completely disgusted.

just found this bugger IN MY BATHROOM.

at 130a. no big.

YES BIG GROSS GROSS.

so glad my dad was here to help his damsel in distress.

xo

you were the one i always dreamed of; i was the one you tried to draw.

{psalm23:1} the Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I lack.

xo.

[ how dare you say it's nothing to me; you're the only light i ever saw. ]

oh brother can't you tell me what's got your heart beating so fast?

10 REAL RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU
1. i'm in love with God.
2. i don't like my hair. ever.
3. my favourite color is probably deep purple; like a plum.
4. don't like romaine lettuce- but i LOVE iceburg.
5. i'm a touchy-feely person.
6. i don't like being forced into the spotlight.
7. i love rain.
8. i detest misspellings.
9. i like dark chocolate covered macadamias.
10. i don't like shaving my legs.


9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. make me laugh.
2. respect my beliefs.
3. be completely honest.
4. spontaneity.
5. believe in me.
6. be a nice person, ha.
7. be there for me.
8. compliment me.
9. write me anything.


8 THINGS I CARRY EVERYDAY
1. your heart (i carry it in my heart)
2. my self.
3. my cell.
4. my wallet, or some part of it.
5. most likely my mac.
6. chargers.
7. glasses.
8. ...the weight of the world on my shoulders.


7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. people who degrade.
2. papercuts.
3. immaturity.
4. twofaced people.
5. blisters.
6. misused english.
7. shaving my legs.


6 STATES I'VE LIVED/VISTED
1. all ova' arizona!
2. cedar city, utah.
3. the beachland in california.
4. south bend, indiana <3.
5. newyork, newyork.
6. vegas- city of lights.


5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. find the boy that God has set aside for me.
2. seize the day.
3. eliminate regret and fear and worry.
4. have children.
5. be a teacher.


4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. rejection.
2. losing all my teeth.
3. scorpions.
4. not having the time to say goodbye.


3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. pray.
2. shower.
3. breathe.


2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. lean on my elbow that hurts oh so badly.
2. NOT 'dream like new york'.


1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW

1. is safely in bed at stanford.

i know that it's easy to say

i dont think it's possible to communicate how much my elbow hurts right now.

i went iceskating with suzie and rach; and was a total pansy about it all. mainly because when i was younger i'd go iceskating and fall, and black out. every time. it scared the bejeezus out of me. so i was extremely hesitant tonight, of course. and.. after having a good go with suzie and rach helping me, i lost all balance and fell with all of my 130lbs onto my right elbow. and now it hurts so terribly bad. owie.

[ but it's harder to feel this way. ]

hey world,

is anybody out there?

i am currently pulling a no-sleep thursday. success.

i wrote all morning @starbucks, whilst watching the sunrise.

have yet to transcribe said writings to computer.

will happen soon.

promise.

xo.

well i put so much thought into getting ready

but now i know that that was the best part.

it's so easy to get caught up in what i'm regretting.

...

i'm fixing my shelves. i'm reorganizing; rearranging. learning. basically living

[ it's been good getting to know me more. ]

but you're a queen,

and deserve more.

that's about it.

yeah.

xo.

[ we should run away together. ]

just because everything's changing

it's so reassuring to know that regardless of what happens, who you choose, when you choose them, that 'home' will always be there. it's nice to know that 'home' is in fact not necessarily a location that you live, like the world teaches, but a place where your soul dwells.

where you know that your best interests are sometimes at heart, that sometimes decisions can become selfish (in an innocent sense), but that you're valued for your simplicities and valued for the things that make you distinct. maybe everyone possesses them, doesn't mean you're not cherished. that you're not a treasure.

where if you were to walk away, you'd be watched, let run, until you couldn't run any further. and then you'd be welcomed back with open arms and hearts and sighs and love.

xo.

[ doesn't mean its never been this way before. ]

i saw it from the beginning.

"You and I have a special talent," Claire says to Drew. "And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I'm not a Cindy either…I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

---

but is it enough to be a substitute person, but love that you're a substitute person? it lets people go to you for their personal reasonings, and not effect you or dilute yourself when they dont want to be involved. maybe i just made it evident why i shouldn't love being a substitute person. it sounds like an easier way to explain to people that you enjoy solitude, but making your presence in the world known.. if only a trifle.. for smidgen of time in people's lives.

(“ Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over. — Gloria Nay)

i'm out.

xo.

[ we're the substitute people. ]

i need to read his post a little more: http://www.littlenuancesblog.com/2006/03/substitute-people.html

long before you ever came around.

i think that the DTR sucks, regardless of if you'd like to be headed in that direction, or not. i mean, it always gets the 'deer in the headlights' reaction (which lemme tell ya', is the scariest experience: driving, and having a deer stare at your headlights.. utah teaches you things) but, no one ever really wants to be set down and required to spit out their inner thoughts i think.

i think that in this day and age, it's a rough thing to do- expose yourself completely for the sake of a conversation, that will just define your title (not even necessarily your role in someone's life). 

---

no one ultimately wants to be in a 'wait-and-see' situation, but us as human beings that like to avoid confrontation and confliction almost prefer that over the alternative- DTR's. it's almost easier to set ourselves up for failure, for misuse, and for extreme confusion as opposed to just exchanging a few words, emotions, observations, and expectations. there's an unsettled stomach in both situations, just the latter is more productive and conducive to the daily life, in comparison to the former.

... it's late, this isnt making much sense in my head anymore. my eyes are blurring and crossing- makes me think of sRach. but i will be adding more to this over the course of this blog.

xo.

[ you should know that there's been other's here. ]

this is new.

hopefully this blog gets maintained. hopefully i dont fall out on this writing. i mean, i want to write daily. i poses the skill to be able to write daily. i guess this will mostly just be a test to see how close i can stick to that pure ambitious goal... purely? maybe it will also help me figure out the english language. since, i plan on being an english literature major and all. in the spring. yes. 

this is a new start. 

this is a new beginning.

this is a movement.

this is a the beginning of the start of a movement-

in my life.

xo.

[ i am feeling so ambitious, you and me- flesh to flesh. ]